October 24 always sucks for me. It’s the anniversary of a death. One that I think about almost every day. One that feels like it happened yesterday. October 24 creeps up on me every year and gives me an unpleasant surprise. I feel like grief exists in me down to my very cells.
It’s hard to let yourself grieve when you work in public. People mean well and are supportive, and I appreciate it; I do, however, need to let myself cry and cry and cry until the tears are temporarily used up, which is hard to do in public. I need to have a face that is swollen and red, and I need to be able to rock and moan. Grief is like a river. You can learn to let it happen and you can navigate it and use it, but if you don’t, you will be capsized and you will struggle against a force that is much, much greater than you.
I’ll keep my paddle in the water, navigate the rocks, float when I can, and know that I have all the time in the world.