Have a very suicidal holiday!

Yeah, Thanksgiving was hard. I found myself sitting in the bathroom, thinking about which way would be the easiest and least painful to die. I was having some pretty big issues with medication. I called a friend, figured some shit out, and went on to eat too much. Thank you, Friend, you know who you are. I felt so lost, alone, and dark and I could NOT get out of my own head. They told us in rehab that, “our heads are like a bad neighborhood. Don’t go there by yourself.” Mine is Cabrini Green, and I think someone is dealing drugs in there.

I feel pretty bad about it now, and I am scared by the power of certain medications that are designed to help. I’m back to my normal stuff and I am hopeful that my brain chemicals go back to normal-ish. Sometimes I think about all the years of my life stretching before me, knowing that this will probably happen again, and I feel pretty daunted. I don’t know how to live with this in some ways. The other part of my brain understands the gift that depression and addiction can be. Creativity, kindness and empathy, and self-knowledge all come from my troubles.

Sometimes, though, I think I’d be okay with less of that stuff if I could just have a little less emotional/intellectual chaos. Jus’ sayin’. (Hear that goddess????)


About Sally

It's all about me. ALL OF IT. ABOUT ME.
This entry was posted in Anecdotes and Observations, The Crazy. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s