I’m not one to wish I could go back and change my life. I regret some things, but I know that every little bit of my history has made me who I am now. There are some ideas and thoughts, though, that I wish I could could magically implant into people’s brains in my past.
I wish my old friends knew then how much trauma that my family caused me. I wish they knew then that my micromanaging came from that trauma, and gave me a sense of at least one thing in my life being in control. I would like it if they had known that my anger came from a black, dark place that contained all of my stuffed down emotions; all the things I couldn’t say or do without major repercussions in my childhood and teen years. I wish they had known exactly how much chaos is caused by living with an alcoholic, and that I was not even aware of the chaos. I also wish we all had known how much stress I carried around because of that chaos. I’m still dealing with muscle pain from years of hunching my shoulders forward to protect my heart (emotionally), and to try to prevent my dad from looking at my boobs. Lastly, I wish everyone knew then that I was on a downward spiral heading straight toward alcoholism, depression, and so much grieving and death that I would give up and just wish I would die already.
This was brought on because I just got back in touch with a friend that I made when I was in France in 1990-91. I found her on Facebook and it took me at least a month to decide to contact her. We had SUCH FUN together, and we stayed in touch for a long time after we came home, but I was such an asshole and so fucked up without knowing it that I am sure that I pissed off and estranged everyone in my life at that time. Hell, I hated myself so much that I don’t know how anyone else could have liked or loved me. Some days I still have to work on forgiving myself.
I’m glad to have found my friend again, and I’m looking forward to hearing and reading about the last 15 years. Hopefully, her memories are a lot kinder to me that mine are.