It’s been hovering for a few weeks now, and I finally had a small breakdown, which, of course, happened at Comunicorp after a staff meeting. It surprised me. I know I’ve been headed down for a while, but I thought that I was managing it okay. Feeling like a total asshole in front of people, or even just feeling others’ discomfort around me is tiring. It doesn’t matter how comfortable I am with dealing with my pain, it’s always hard to not let other people’s reactions affect me. (FYI: it’s really, really, really, not a good idea to tell someone what they should or shouldn’t do ever, more so if you are dealing with a professional alcoholic and depressed person like me.) See this for reference.
I have had to trace back my feelings and this depression and think about what patterns I’ve fallen into, that I probably haven’t paid enough attention to. So, I hit the rewind button, and realized that I have been using food the way I used alcohol. I allow myself a certain small amount of bingeing because I usually have a day or two if irresponsibility then I get right back on the vigilance track. I guess this time I forgot about my alcoholic brain and I let the food take over. Once that pattern gets started, it leads to another million things that I then have to identify and process. I stop taking care of myself and doing all the things that are part of recovery from depression and addiction. I start hating myself and ignoring my feelings. I isolate. I am constantly tired and irritable and/or angry. I need physical contact, but I despise myself and others that I don’t want to touch anyone or be touched. I have to make myself leave my room.
The thing that is so hard to explain (actually it’s all hard to explain) is how it’s very much about brain chemistry and that while most of you have serotonin and neurons and such that fire properly, I don’t. Things that are supposed to connect to give me the happy endorphins, don’t connect in my brain. I also don’t have a turn off switch in my brain. It’s why I constantly need to be in touch with what’s going on with me emotionally and in my thought patterns, etc. All it takes is a slip in diligence and I’m back to waking up from a black out not knowing how I got to bed or how I’m going to get through the day, when all I can think about is when can I drink next.
I’ve been thinking a lot since yesterday and I think what I need to do is go back to the beginning and tell my story again. I’m supposed to be talking about it as much as I can anyway, as part of healing and recovery, and I don’t think I’ve told a lot of my normal friends about what happened to me and what made me finally go to rehab. I need to talk about some of the traumas of my childhood and I need to talk about the darkness of the final descent into hell and how it felt to not care about living anymore. I’ve told it over and over to other alcoholics and addicts, but I think I need to be able to stand with the pain and shame and shine a light on it again. I think every single day about the fact that I have major depression and that I am alcoholic, and I guess I need to process it again. Ick.
If you are still reading, I’m impressed! You rock and you should consider becoming a licensed therapist or psychologist.
My plan (because as a child of an alcoholic, I always have to have a plan) is to write it out here, little by little. Maybe if I work it out in short episodes, it will be less exacting and painful. Or not. Maybe I should eat more cookies and keep wallowing in it.
Please comment at any time, or talk to me about it. I might cry when I get to the hurtful parts, but it helps me. You can also tell me to go fuck off and bother someone else ‘cuz you’re makin’ a sammich. You have options.
All righty then. Here’s to delving in.
When you can stop you don’t want to, and when you want to stop, you can’t…
After a series of traumas, one can lose the capacity to feel fear appropriately.
The priority of any addict is to anesthetize the pain of living to ease the passage of day with some purchased relief.