I had a chat with a newly sober friend today and it made me want to tell more of my own drunk story and less about the effects of my family, so here’s a snippet:
At the end of my drinking career (it really is a career, because it’s A FUCKLOAD of work), I went to work hungover and going through withdrawal every day. Every day. For about the last two months that I drank, I didn’t remember how I got to bed most nights. I woke up every day thinking about my next drink and planning where I would go to get it. Some of those days I didn’t want to drink at all, yet there I was at the liquor store, AGAIN, despising myself, while being unable to fight the desperate craving. I went to different liquor stores every day, so that no one of them knew how much I was drinking. I thought dying sounded like a good idea, because I didn’t know how to live with or without drinking, and all I could believe was that the world would be better with me and my chaos not in it, and that I was not going to make it out of this thing alive, anyway. I was desperate and sooo sooo scared. The day I called my insurance and my employee hotline to try to get help, I had to make at least 5 laps around the house in panic. I went upstairs, then back downstairs, and back again, trying to make myself make the call. I bawled on the phone when I finally picked it up and dialed, and I have to say that the people I talked to were so very kind to me, that I will never forget it. I will be grateful for them the rest of my life.
I binge drank the night before rehab, because, hey, why not??? The next day my life changed forever.
Word of the Day: excruciating
1. extremely painful; causing intense suffering; unbearably distressing; torturing: an excruciating noise; excruciating pain.
2. exceedingly elaborate or intense; extreme: done with excruciating care.
1. unbearable, insufferable, unendurable, agonizing, racking.
verb (used with object), ex·cru·ci·at·ed, ex·cru·ci·at·ing.
1.to inflict severe pain upon; torture: The headache excruciated him.
2. to cause mental anguish to; irritate greatly.
1560–70; < Latin excruciātus, past participle of excruciāre to torment, torture, equivalent to ex- ex-1 + cruciāre to torment, crucify (derivative of crux cross); see -ate1