Holy shitballs, Batman. I’ve been in fight or flight mode most of the day. I finally calmed down a little after talking to the Lumpster, and now I actually feel calm. The best way I can explain what that feels like is to tell you to think about the scariest moment in your life and how your body felt. Sweating, heart pounding, burning in your chest and stomach, and whatever stress response you had at that moment. That’s how I felt all day. I even gave myself a stress headache. I can’t remember the last time I did that. Since university??
Lumpy made the point that at least I am able to step back, name the feelings, and know what needs to happen next, which helped me, but I still feel like I just set myself back A LOT in my path to healing. This morning’s stress made me feel like I was 10 years old again, being reprimanded a little too harshly for some minor offense. I wanted to find somewhere to hide, curl into a ball, and not deal with the world. I went straight into avoidance. ugh. Then, BRING ON THE STRESS HORMONES!!!!!! IT’S A PARTY IN HERE!!! BRING YOUR FRIENDS AND A BULLHORN!!! SALLY MIGHT HAVE TO RUN AWAY AS FAST AS SHE CAN BECAUSE SHE’S GOING TO DIE IF SHE DOESN’T!!! WOOOOOO HOOOOOO!
Except none of it feels exciting or happy. I’m calling a therapist tomorrow.
Word of the Day: