I wrote this to my mom, and she hasn’t replied. I wonder if she will. I don’t think she is capable of allowing herself to open up at all, and therefore move forward. It hurts my feelings, but there is a little bit of relief in there, as well. I’m okay with no relationship from this point on. I want joy in my life, and I don’t think my mom will ever be able to be joyful.
I will spend some time this week grieving this relationship, meditating, thinking about Banana (her birthday is coming up), and hopefully, going outside a whole lot.
Here’s the email:
I am not against you coming up here, but I am wondering if you just don’t realize how negative and critical you are these days. Sometimes it is really hurtful, which I know is not your intent, but whatever your intention, that’s my reaction. I don’t want to end up feeling about you the way that I have felt about Dad. I realize that me talking about therapy is not that fun, but I still have wounds to heal. I didn’t go for a long time, and now I feel like I’ve got some kinks to work out. Talking about it is going to be part of having a relationship with me. I want to have a relationship that’s respectful, in which I don’t feel diminished or judged. We don’t have TONS of time left for us to be together and I need to feel okay going forward.
I would LOVE it if you would come up and go to a therapy session with me. My therapist thinks it would be good; maybe we can learn some tools to help us become closer, or even just some better ways to communicate with each other.
If you do come up, I really want you to go to a beginners yoga class with me. I actually think you would really enjoy it, and it’s something you can do at home for exercise. I think you’ll like the instructor where Jody and I have been going. She’s super cool and welcoming and accepting.
Let me know what you think.