The elation of conquering fears, my body, miles vs. the sadness of thinking about my mom: sometimes they compete for attention. I am sitting here writing this feeling the highest high because I feel like a runner again today, but a little bit melancholy grieving the loss of my mother. If I hear from her at this point, I don’t know how to proceed. I feel like I’m closing that door and don’t want to leave it cracked, or the possibility of reopening it. I don’t necessarily want to lock it, but just firmly close it, and leave it alone. Move on.
I’ve learned so much in the past few months. I have learned what true stillness is, and how amazing that feels in my bones. Also, how much of my past I have held onto in my body all these years. A lot of physical pain and much of my body tension have come from my body reminding me that there’s more to deal with yet. I’ve learned that the monsters under the bed CAN be made to go away, and that I don’t have to constantly be ready for them to grab my legs and pull me under there anymore. I can safely talk about the monsters and anything else that scares me and I can still be safe if everything is in the open.
One of the most important things I’ve learned is that having an uncertain and open future suits me quite well. Thinking about today or this week is okay. Nothing has to be managed, no decisions need to be made. I don’t have to have a plan. Maybe just an outline. 🙂