My family means less to me than most people, and I am comfortable with that. Having been cut off for such a long time was not painful to me, so now that I am back in touch with my mom, every new thing she tells me about my brother does not pain me. More so, it sets off a chain of thinking about what I need to do, what I can do, what is important, what is useless. I’m more interested in steps that my mom needs me to take.
My brother has some further complications and has to be operated on so the medical team can figure out what is going on inside him. I’m grateful for the distance from them that I gave myself; I’m fine with everything that is happening, and like I said in my previous post, I’ve known he was going to die young for a long time. I’m asking my mom a lot about how she feels. I guess I’m trying to force her to be in the moment, because I know her mind is swirling. It has to be, mine is, and I’m not there dealing with it all.
I’m also asking about what she thinks about moving out east when Lumpy and I go, and possibly moving to the same place The Lumpy Father is going to in Pennsylvania. I’m asking if anyone can give her a timeline or if everything will just be up in the air for a good while now. I’m asking if she wants to keep the house. I’m asking if she wants me to help dig all the junk out of the house when I do go down there. Pragmatism. It helps me to know what the end goal is.
To those of you who may have complicated families, as well, I hope you can get through the ends of lives gracefully and in a way that is kind to yourself first, and the rest of your family next. I’m doing what I feel okay doing, and nothing more. We have to love ourselves first.
Peace.
sallyism 