I do some stuff. When I feel good, I do some harder stuff. When I feel tired or weak, I do less stuff. When I feel really tired, I skip doing stuff.
Sometimes when I go to the gym, like today, I think, “I’ll do less stuff today.” Then I feel okay and I do random stuff and end up having a great workout.
Sometimes I go to the gym I think I feel great, then I realize I don’t, really, then I do very minimal basic stuff. Then I go home.
Sometimes I walk The Ripper a long time. Sometimes I walk The Ripper for a super short time. Sometimes I ignore the Ripper, then I feel bad and at least do something with the Ripper. An ignored Ripper is an annoying asshole Ripper, and nobody needs to see that.
So, in a nutshell, do some stuff, don’t do other stuff, and do stuff with the Ripper. Any questions?
Oof. Every time I workout lately, I get heartburn. Today I only had time to do some pull up stuff, but it was good. I’m shaking almost as much as I did when I went through withdrawal from alcohol.
I’m not feeling fantastic about life right now-there was ANOTHER FUCKING SCHOOL SHOOTING. It happened in Florida, and none of the officials besides the superintendent were willing to mention GUNS. They talked about violence, blah, blah, blah, de blah, but didn’t have the balls to talk about the GUN violence. I hope I never become so desensitized that I have the ability to ignore reality like they do.
I’m starting a new challenge at the gym since I have eaten my way to self-hatred again. I’m using food to make my body repulsive, and therefore ignorable. Unappealing. Disgusting to old white guys.
I’m going to attempt to write more to work through it, and I’ve joined another 60 day challenge at the gym. I’ll write about The Crazy and how working out is going. I’m only writing today to get myself going.
Goals: Reach 1/2 pull up. Reach 24% body fat. Reconfigure my thinking about food-using it as fuel to reach a goal, as opposed to eating to feel safe.
For the second time in about 5 years, I have to go for a follow-up ultrasound after a mammogram. It’s unnerving, to say the least. Though I know it’s probably nothing, there was still a problem with my mammogram. There’s a difference between the last two years and this year. I wish I could go today for the ultrasound and know something by Monday, but I can’t get in until Tuesday morning. That’s a long time to be uncertain. I feel like I can handle any diagnosis I get, once I get the diagnosis. Or hear that it’s nothing.
I’ll be sitting in my closet under a blanket, if anyone needs to contact me.
Why do people swerve left or right to turn in the opposite direction?
Why does my dog still bark at stuff outside of the house when she knows she’s going to be squirted with water, pulled off the furniture, or made to go in the other room and lie down? Is the payoff that great?
How the hell did I hurt my foot? (Been off my feet for the last 9 days)
Who would I be if I had had a fantastic support system when I was growing up?
Can I actually get down to 140 pounds? Am I not actually a hard enough worker and too dependent on food as comfort to make this happen?
Would my brain waves change if I practiced guitar every day like I keep telling myself I’m going to?
Who actually wants to know how you are doing when they ask and who doesn’t? When did the switch happen in English that this became a greeting and not a legitimate question?
Will Brexit open up jobs for non-EU resident ESL teachers? Please???
I wonder if The Kelly and Ryan Show would ever let me be a travel trivia dancer?
Why doesn’t my body ever adjust to being well-hydrated? Is it possible to stay hydrated and NOT spend my entire day peeing?
Why didn’t I switch to a women’s gym a year ago?
How can I work the word INDUBITABLY!!! into everyday conversations?
Why don’t more people claim and display their weirdness? How do they expect to find their tribe? Are they more lonely than those of us who do?
I guess that’s all for now. If you have any answers, please let me know.
I like this word, but it applies to nothing in my life. I can’t even make it apply to my dog.
obedient or attentive to an excessive or servile degree.
“they were served by obsequious waiters”
||servile, ingratiating, sycophantic, fawning, unctuous, oily, oleaginous, groveling, cringing, subservient, submissive, slavish;
I thought I’d start blogging again because I need an outlet once more. Every time I’ve been to therapy, it’s been recommended that I journal or write. I choose to write and subject everyone else to my angst, pain, and problems. It’s what makes people love me, I’m sure. Oversharing is my strong suit.
I am writing now because of physical pain. As of today, I have had a headache off and on for two weeks now, and I can’t get anymore migraine medication until Monday according to the insurance gods. Not that the fucking medication helps. I get a few hours of relief, then it comes back worse. These last few days the entire top of my head hurts. I think it was easier to deal with knee surgery than this.
Let’s add the sweet, sweet ingredients of shame and guilt to the mix. My headaches get so bad, and sometimes other aches and pains, too, that I have to cancel classes. I haven’t missed this much work since I’ve been sober. I feel like a terrible person and teacher.
I’m not sitting idly by, because I am a DOER!! I went to urgent care, I’ve been to the doctor an embarrassing amount and I’m going back Monday. The next level of medication has the side effect of making it hard for me to find words and slower thinking. Perfect for a language teacher who DEALS IN WORDS AS A PROFESSION.
So, I’d like to register a complaint with management. This is not what I signed up for. They say that childhood trauma makes folks more likely to have sicknesses, pain, etc., when they are adults, but COME ON.
Okay, that’s it for now. Trump rants soon to be coming. Fuck that guy.