It feels unreal that all it took was one phone call from my ma and I’m fighting to keep my healthy patterns in place. Between being in touch with her and perimenopause hormones, my head feels a little chaotic. I told Lumpy that the normal daily town hall meeting has exploded into a street brawl, and the person with the gavel has given up all pretense of order.
Normally there’s just a lot of normal stuff-one person falling asleep, one person anxious because they will be addressing the group for the first time, one person sitting in the back being a sarcastic clown, a couple of concerned citizens who really do want what’s best for the town, and at least one person sitting to the far side, wanting to pick a fight. The agent of chaos had learned to just stay in the broom closet and not participate. Well, it seems that someone has opened that damn closet door, and the agenda has been thrown out the window. The agent of chaos and the fighter are having their way with the nice folks who had just been showing up to do their civic duty, or to at least be entertained by the process.
I’m exaggerating, of course. I’m mostly still okay, but I haven’t felt this disorderly in a while. About since the last contact I had with my mom, to be more to the point. I feel like I can actually feel my brain working in an old way that seems familiar and unwanted. I keep telling myself that it’s okay if I love myself. I’m allowed to. I’m allowed to be loved by my people. It’s okay to continue asking my friends for support.
I don’t think it’s all going to come undone. It’s the process of going through instead of around that’s hard.
sallyism 