I’m having a second back surgery in March. I’m waiting for a scheduler to call me to confirm a date, posting stupid shit on FB, and spinning between feeling like cackling hysterically and crying. Then I think about getting my shit together and making loose mental plans because that usually makes me feel better. So far, I have taken Rips for a walk, played guitar, brewed a fresh pot of coffee (so I can deal with everything in a properly wired state, of course), and eaten lots of Jewel tortilla chips. I’m giving myself a headache.
One of the main things fucking with me right now is thinking about another year of no really hard, vigorous exercise. It is scaring the shit out of me, to be honest. I’ve made it through the pandemic, menopause transition, being back in touch with my family, starting a business, normal relationship stuff, staying sober, and all the regular stressors in my life because of exercise. Even through all the physical pain I’ve had I still keep moving and sweating and it gives me clarity and peace of mind. If I didn’t have all these things going on at one time I would be better off. If it was just my family, or just pandemic, or just perimenopause, I would be okay, but I already feel like I just can’t take one more fucking thing. My plate is full. My balance is already off. Once I get done here, I’ll go exercise. It’s a thing I have that I can rely on.
I’m not going to kill myself, I’m not going to start drinking, I’m not going to lose my mind (maybe just a little). I am however, going to be working really hard to hold on and I don’t feel up to it. I will be up to it. I will be fine. I don’t feel like it today, however.
I also dread the medication. I went through withdrawal from Oxy last time, after only 10-14 days on it and I don’t feel like I want to do that again. Shaking, crying for no reason, profuse sweating, chills. I never even felt a need for it, or craving. My body just can’t have addictive substances. The nurse I spoke to today expressed sympathy, but was, as they all are, slightly dismissive of my concern. They all tell me since I know about it, I’ll be fine. I’m aware and have told them, so it will be okay. They can all say that because they most likely have never gone through withdrawal. It’s fucking miserable. I’m also slightly allergic to Oxy, so I’ll be itchy the whole time I’m on it. I’m already exhausted just thinking about it.
I did not win the genetic lottery.
sallyism 